The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
