He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
