when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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