So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
They took my balls.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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