Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We left the knife in your bed.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
