it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
