How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
