you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
