Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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