There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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