I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
