totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
did i just pee glitter
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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