onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
