Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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