Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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