all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
