just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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