His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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