im six kinds of drunk right now
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
