If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
