people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
