I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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