it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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