you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
