there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
