i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
