I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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