I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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