I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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