Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
