Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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