If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
