Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up under a house in Key West
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
