you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
