Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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