i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
