i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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