So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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