I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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