u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
