There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
