All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
