I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
How external is "for external use only"?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
