I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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