Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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