her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
