I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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