you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
