Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
