I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
