I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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