We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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